To Raise Independent Adults, We Must …
allow children to practice independence in childhood!
“Which door should I walk through?” “Where should I put my coat?” “What should I say?” “Can I order dinner?” “What if it doesn’t work out?” “Can I have more money for….” “I’m afraid to….”
These are all questions that I have heard young adults ask their parents recently. Last week’s article from KQED endorses the concern; Today’s 18-year-olds are like the 12-year-olds from a decade ago; they have very little tolerance for conflict and discomfort. Kids are more anxious and depressed than ever before. Holly Korbey cites a growing body of evidence that our kids have been “accidentally crippled” due to a lack of experience handling life’s ups and downs in the name of safety.
What can parents do to help?
Manage your fears; you don’t have control over everything
Have faith in the process of development
Allow your child to develop “disappointment muscles” This leads to resilience and emotional intelligence.
Trust your children and give them the opportunities to solve problems, make mistakes, and recover from them.
Invite contribution through jobs at home (we know you can do it faster; your child needs to build competence and confidence, and let’s face it, you are exhausted from doing all the work!).
Ask, “What’s your plan?”.
Be there when things get tough, but don’t take over.
Let go without abandoning.
I remember my 6th-grade son hailing a cab on Michigan Avenue years ago when we walked down the street with family members. He hopped in, went to his lesson, and waved, “See you in a bit,” leaving us in the dust. I received a look from the adults that said, “Are you out of your mind?” I wondered if I was - and I still wonder sometimes.
