If you have a middle school daughter, you know how agonizing it can be…
to watch her navigate friendship and social conflict. Social issues can become stressful for girls, typically sometime later in fourth grade, swing into full gear in fifth grade, and continue into sixth and seventh grade, sometimes even later.
In my early days as a teacher, I recall running into my students’ mothers in the pharmacy and feeling ill-equipped to answer their questions or help them feel at ease when they were worried about girls being mean and their daughter’s social paths. What was the big deal, and why didn’t they want to talk about something I could help with, literature, math, or science?
Of course, years later, when I heard that my daughter’s friend's mom insisted that she not sit next to Julia on the bus (lice was spreading through the class), I was beyond enraged and, again, feeling ill-equipped. I needed support, so I mentioned the situation to the secretary at the school. She replied, “Mrs. Herold, you know we don’t have lice in this town.” This woman was an expert at humor, thank God, and she taught me so much that day but did not take care of all the problems; the teasing, the cattiness, the gossip.
I have learned much since then from Julia, her friends, and the middle school girls with whom I have heard over the years in my role as educator, administrator, and mom.
11 THINGS THAT MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS WANT THEIR PARENTS AND TEACHERS TO KNOW
I like it when you stay curious; don’t try to decide who is wrong or right because it’s all about perspective.
Refrain from judging my friends, outfits, actions, and home lives. We are all trying to figure it out and training to be adults; we need space and grace.
Listen without saying a word except to nod and convey empathy.
Manage your facial expressions. I will probably shut down if you look like the house is on fire.
If I seem ready for a conversation, say as little as possible, except something like
“Ahaa, then what happened?”
“How are you feeling about it now?”
“You seem disappointed, sad, excited, worried….”.
If I want your help solving the problem (please ask me first), then say something like
“What do you want out of this situation?”
“What do you want to happen, and if that doesn’t happen, what is your plan?”
“What are your ideas?”
“What do you think might happen next?”
Have faith in the process of my development. My solutions may differ from yours, and I learn when I make mistakes.
Stay positive!
Encourage me with a heart-to-heart connection.
“I love you no matter what!”
“Somehow, it will work out.”
Empower me!
“You are doing your best to communicate with your friend.”
“Your classmates notice how you react, and you are a leader.”
“You are courageous and brave.”
You are a good parent and a fantastic teacher, and I know it’s hard to see me suffer. I am resilient, and I was born to learn and grow.
Take care of yourself and spend time with your friends. When you are happy, it helps me!
I leave you with the poetic Martina McBride.
Martina McBride - This One's For The Girls (Official Video)
Lyrics
This is for all you girls about thirteen
High school can be so rough, can be so mean
Hold on to, on to your innocence
Stand your ground when everybody's givin' in
This one's for the girls
This is for all you girls about twenty five
In little apartments just tryin' to get by
Living on, on dreams and Spaghetti-o's
Wonderin' where your life is gonna go
This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls
This is for all you girls about forty-two
Tossin' pennies into the fountain of youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today
This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls
Yeah, we're all the same inside
(The same inside)
From one to ninety nine
This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world, yeah
This one's for the girls
Yeah, this one's for the girls
(This one's for all the girls)
