I can do it myself!
I don’t need help; I can do it myself!
Who says this most often, young children or moms? Both!
Last week as I was facilitating a workshop at the Chicago Montessori School, the group named all of the reasons that they do things for their children, in most cases, something that they could do for themselves:
We don’t have time for them to do it.
It takes too long, and they have no sense of time!
We have to move quickly in the morning.
The kids are messy.
They don’t do things the “right” way.
Good mothers just do things for their children.
I’m in control. It’s fine.
We wondered why we were so frustrated, exhausted, and harried. I will admit that I did too much for my children when they were young for the same reasons!
A recent HBR Article, How to Get Better At Asking for Help at Work, names the following reasons that people hesitate to ask for help at work:
I’ll look weak or incompetent.
I’ll be imposing on others or seem needy.
Others will lose confidence in me.
I can’t count on anyone, so I must do everything myself.
Rebecca Zucker states, “The hesitance to ask for help can keep us bogged down in more work than is necessary and is a key contributor to feeling constantly overwhelmed at work.”
Hmmm. The hesitance to ask for help can keep us bogged down in more work than is necessary and is a key contributor to feeling constantly overwhelmed at home.
And what happens when we feel constantly overwhelmed at home? Instead of answering that question for you (you know the answer), let me share why you should ask your children for help at home.
Children are born with an innate sense of altruism. They want to help! The need to contribute and feel significance is a basic human need. (Alfred Adler)
Children are stressed when parents are stressed, and they do not need a martyr.
When you ask children to help, they are learning that they matter.
Children feel competent and confident when they contribute, driven by the need for autonomy and competence, especially in early childhood and adolescence.
Children need to learn and practice life skills to function as independent adults.
You are modeling “ask for help” so they never feel alone.
So, how do we invite cooperation and contribution in the household?
Plan ahead. Say, “There are many things we do to care for ourselves and our home. How would you like to help? What is something you will do each day?
Take time for training. Don’t assume children know how to sort laundry or organize their closets. (My daughter needed help with this when she was 15, and my husband still needs help.)
Do things together when you can. Kids want to be with you and may avoid a task if left to do it alone. (One of my client’s daughters said, “Mom, I can make the bed; I just want you to be close to me.”)
Show appreciation when children help; “Thank you for unloading the dishwasher. That was a big help to me this morning.”
Allow time for children to dress themselves, unpack their backpacks, pack their lunches, etc.
If you are reading this and thinking, “I still don’t have time for that”, think about all of the time that you are currently spending feeling aggravated, and look ahead:
You will be calmer, and your child will be calmer.
Your household will run more efficiently over time.
Your relationship with your child will be stronger.
You will teach your child to ask for help at work one day!
