My Story
I recall a busy morning at school in the Spring of 1995, three months preceding the birth of my first child. As I was leading my 5th-grade class up the stairs to the gym, a parent approached us and offered, “Now you are REALLY going to see what it is like - how hard it is to be a parent.”
I nodded politely and tried to smile, thinking, “Well, that will be a cakewalk compared to taking care of 24 of them all day long. I’m ready for a break!”
Ahahahahahahahaha. Shortly after my son was born, my mother came for a visit. She and my husband went to the grocery store and found me in tears when they returned to a bewildered, “How could you leave me alone for 90 minutes?”.
Well, the shock eventually wore off and new parenting brought more feelings; elation, exhaustion, confusion, joy, inadequacy, loneliness, excitement and gratitude - sometimes all on the same day!
Then, I began reading any parenting book I could get my hands on.
My husband and I were blessed with two more children and when the youngest went to kindergarten, I went back to teaching. The school community was vibrant and I loved everything about spending my days in the brilliance of a thriving elementary school. However, I started to notice that the students were stressed. Teachers were stressed and parents were stressed. My neighbor referred to this stress as the “treadmill of life”; the daily work of raising children, showing up in the community, performing in a high-pressure society, and making it look easy.
A few years later, I was invited to participate in a Positive Discipline in the Classroom Training and it changed my life. It was a Saturday and our school fundraiser was that evening. I burst into the room and told the counselor that “this was it”.
Parenting in today’s world is more complex than ever. There has been an evolution in the nature of child-rearing, in part, due to the geographic separation of the extended family, an increase in dual-income households, and access to technology. The number of mental health challenges has increased significantly in both youth and adult populations.
We need to do things differently.
New research highlights the importance of social-emotional skills. In 1988, Robert Fulgrum’s poem, “Everything I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten Poem was a New York Times Bestseller. The skills that Robert mentions, of course, are not mastered at the age of five, rather, may take a lifetime to acquire. We have learned that teaching academics in isolation is not enough. Skills once referred to as “soft” are considered more valuable than ever in today’s dynamic world. Success in the modern workplace is determined by the ability to communicate, collaborate and utilize one’s strengths (Fast Company Emotional Int.)
Though parents recognize societal realities they may be unsure of how to adapt or may be searching for alternatives to the methods their parents employed.
There is no manual titled, How to Be A Perfect Parent and even if there was, it couldn’t possibly be one size fits all. Since there is no such thing as a perfect parent, we must give ourselves grace as we chart our own path. Positive Discipline provides a framework for teaching for life, based on the power of relationships. According to Jane Nelsen, the founder of Positive Discipline, effective discipline:
Helps children feel a sense of connection (Belonging and significance)
Is mutually respectful and encouraging (Kind and firm at the Same Time)
Is effective long term (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning and deciding about himself and his world - and what to do in the future to survive or thrive)
Teaches important social and life skills (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community)
Invites children to discover how capable they are (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)
I have had the privilege of sharing this work for many years, through countless workshops, trainings and conferences, and I have witnessed the power of connection as people realize that they are not alone in their struggles. I believe that a sense of humor is key and that people learn more from one another than they could ever learn on their own.