WHY WON’T THEY STOP FIGHTING?
It’s honestly one of the MOST annoying behaviors a parent can endure: sibling conflict.
It shows up through arguing, teasing, tricking, hitting, pushing, yelling, tattling, deceiving, pinching, or scratching; you have seen it, and it’s painful! The humans you love most in the entire world are going for the jugular.
Their ears don’t seem to work when you have HAD it, and you are reduced to yelling, ENOUGH! STOP FIGHTING! (Insert threat, like, Christmas is canceled!) They still don’t stop, or, they find a way to keep fighting quietly, which takes extra skill.
WHY DO SIBLINGS FIGHT?
They have perceptions about themselves and how they belong to the family and the world (Alfred Adler named this “private logic,” and it is the story we have in our heads that is uniquely ours)
An oldest sibling may think the younger siblings are spoiled, pampered, or rescued by the parents.
Younger siblings may think they can “never measure up” to the oldest sibling’s achievements and may believe their parents will not love them as much if they don’t achieve things the same way.
These perceptions aren't reality, but they feel very real to children, and children make decisions (often unconsciously) based on their interpretations. These decisions are displayed through behavior.
Children practice social skills and experiment with power (often quite raw) on the people they love most, who, unlike a friend, can't easily leave them.
I once told my younger brother that green Prell Shampoo, packaged in a tube, was toothpaste to see if he would try it. So mean!
Older sisters have been known to dress up their younger brothers in elaborate outfits or convince them to be students in their make-believe schools.
Younger siblings learn to defend themselves, stand up for themselves, and can be quite skilled and strong when challenged.
What are children learning when they run these experiments? They learn about limits: Did I push it too far? He looks so sad. I won’t do that again. They practice empathy, repair, and reconciliation.
Children do not understand that love is infinite, and they compete for their parents' favor (to be loved the most)
If I do this, Mom or Dad will like me better.
Sometimes children fight because they are just bored.
A client who recently moved back to the U.S. from Europe, where they walked miles per day, found her children at each other's throats any time they were in the car. After a brainstorming session, we concluded they simply weren't used to sitting still and being driven around.
The above knowledge may help us understand, but we need practical tools to calm the chaos (not take it away completely). Conflict is part of life, and it will never disappear.
WHAT IS A PARENT TO DO?
Understand that you are not meant to (nor is it possible to) fix every situation. Family life is messy, so give yourself some grace. Everyone is learning.
Recognize that your frustration may stem from fear. You may be worried that children will stay this way forever. I would never tell my brother to put shampoo on his toothbrush as an adult!
For minor scuffles and arguments, apply one of the 3 B’s
Beat it
Leave the room if you can. Remember, children may compete for your attention or act on their own logic.
Boot them out
Let’s say they are arguing over a toy or a remote control. Remove the toy. If age-appropriate, separate the children or tell them to go outside to solve the problem together. If things are getting heated, or someone has been physically hurt, tell them they need time to cool down and that you will process with them later.
Bear It
Let them “have it out” as long as no one is being hurt. They can “discuss,” say how they feel, what’s not fair, bring up history, whatever it takes. Remember they are building their skills, and this is the best lab in the world.
I find this tool the most difficult, and I was forced to use it when my kids were fighting over who should sit in the front seat on a busy downtown street in middle school. They agreed on a solution that I never would have agreed with, but it worked for them, and the fighting stopped.
Treat all parties the same.
It may seem like the older child is always at fault. The child may indeed be discouraged (“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child” ~ Rudolf Dreikurs) or impulsive, but rescuing the younger children only makes the pattern worse, as the older child becomes more resentful.
When children need to be separated, put the baby or toddler in the crib first to show the older child you understand the discouragement. (I know this sounds wild, but it establishes trust with both children, especially as they grow)
After everyone has calmed down, process through curiosity questions.
Ask both children (No one is allowed to interrupt and must wait their turn)
What happened?
How do you feel about it now?
What is your plan (To repair or prevent this from happening again)
Be genuinely curious here, even if you think you know whose “fault” it is. Kids rarely mistreat each other for no reason. Someone probably instigated the argument, acted on private logic, or hasn't yet mastered handling the situation peacefully.
I used these curiosity questions in a school setting with two boys who fought at recess, after a cool-down period. One boy, who hit the other boy, said he felt “guilty.” We then made a plan for repair and apology.
We are teaching accountability, listening, and problem-solving here, rather than solving the problem ourselves and handing out random consequences.
If curiosity questions are a new strategy in your house, it may take some time. Don't be discouraged if you get angry answers or if the kids refuse to answer. They need time to build the trust needed to answer honestly and to take responsibility for their actions.
Teach “Bugs and Wishes,” or Stop means stop,” and role-play with stuffed animals at a time when everyone is calm (Kids love to pretend)
It bugs me when you… and I wish you would…. Instead
Use a wheel of choice or anger wheel of choice.
It’s okay to feel angry. It is not okay to kick people. Which tool from your wheel will you try instead?
Practice Follow Through
If you are driving the car and the kids are fighting, tell them you will not drive while they are fighting, and that you will stop the car until they solve their problem or stop fighting. Then, stop the car, take out your book, and read until they stop.
It’s okay if you are late to an activity; they will learn you mean what you say and say what you mean. This is actually quite liberating and effective. You don’t need to invent a punishment; arriving late is uncomfortable, and the natural consequence will follow. They are learning that you mean business.
When kids are bored, ask them what they can do with their time.
In the above example, the kids weren't used to long car rides and quarreled out of boredom, so the family held a meeting to come up with things to do in the car. They added a basket of fidgets, books, word searches, an Etch A Sketch, etc.
Have faith in the development process. Remember, children are learning, and discipline is teaching. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, for them and for you!
You’ve got this!
