WHAT is happening? I thought you LOVED school?
I’m sure you have seen it - and it has most likely happened to you, possibly in front of a hundred people at pick-up, or at the bus stop, the front door, when you walk in from work feeling like you're melting down yourself - AFTER-SCHOOL COLLAPSE.
A few years ago, I chatted with a mom waiting at dismissal for her daughter. The mom, daughter’s favorite chocolate muffin in hand, was eagerly anticipating a hug and smile, maybe even a “thanks, MOM!” as the muffin was revealed - the perfect after-school surprise!
Well, guess who was surprised?
The child grinned at her teacher angelically, said goodbye, and then screamed, “I WANTED BLUEBERRY!” - like Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
The child went on to puddle her body at her mom’s feet, now a sideshow for the rest of the school crowd. “I wanted blueberry! I wanted blueberry! I wanted blueberry! I wanted blueberry. This went on for what felt like an eternity, repeated through cries and screams over and over again.
If some version of this has ever happened to you, you know that you are probably not pulling out your best parenting tools on the spot. You are most likely frozen. Your face is heating up and your back is numb. You are losing your sense of hearing, and your vision is blurring.
You are definitely not accessing your calm thinking brain, even if it appears that way to your onlookers. (And by the way, they are not judging; they feel your pain, and are just relieved that it isn’t happening to them.) They may be equally paralyzed, or trying to help in some way, which may or may not be inviting you to feel worse.
Somehow, you make it to the car and actually feel like you can drive it. Hundreds of thoughts run through your head:
I thought she liked school!
I’m so embarrassed!
I’m raising an ungrateful child!
I’m never buying a muffin again!
Maybe she doesn’t have any friends!
No one will call for a playdate after that scene!
Maybe someone was mean to her today!
Maybe she’s getting sick!
Maybe I should buy 2 different kinds of muffins next time!
AFTER -SCHOOL COLLAPSE is the term, and it is REAL!
This may look different in a middle schooler or high schooler, or it may look the same. Tantrums can still show up, as can backtalk, sharp responses, or negative thinking patterns (“I don’t care, I hate math, I don’t have any friends”)
AFTER -SCHOOL COLLAPSE doesn’t always happen on the first day or during the first week of school - it can, but for a lot of kids, it shows up around week three to six. The “honeymoon” period is over, and the novelty has worn off.
This doesn’t mean that your child isn’t learning, having fun, or meeting friends at school; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. Your child is pouring cognitive, social, and emotional energy into the day, and the beginning of the school year is intense. (Adjusting to a new adult job takes a minimum of 90 days, and adults have acquired more life skills to face challenges than kids have)
So what can a parent do as the leader of what seems like pure chaos?
Prioritize Sleep & Downtime
I have seen so many kids melt down after a string of sports, lessons, and family social events. Sleep and downtime are essential for regulation, learning, being a good friend, and working together at home and at school. As an adult, I’m a mess when I don’t eat or sleep, so imagine what those unskilled little bodies are experiencing. When my kids were young, I was known to the extended family as the “Sleep Sergeant” , and it was not easy to bear that label, but I was persistent - for my sake, and their sake.
Practice Consistent Routines & Autonomy
In Positive Discipline, we promote co-creating routines, making the routine the boss, and reducing power struggles, teaching executive functioning, cooperation, and self-care for the long term.
Children feel more competent and confident when they do age-appropriate things for themselves (Training may be required)
Though adults can do things easier and faster, we are robbing children of the opportunity to practice accountability, executive function, and responsibility when we do it for them.
Closet Listening
Instead of rattling off an interrogation
How was your day?
Who did you sit with at lunch?
Who did you play with?
How was math?
Do you have homework?
I rattle off a “grown-up version” to my daughter and get a glare.
Try being present and waiting for the day's news to bubble up. It will when the time is right, maybe after outside time, relaxation, or a snack. Most people need time to reset or process before making a report. (I’m still working on this because I’m so curious and care so much)
Previews
Preview the week with elementary and middle- to high-schoolers (Which days are…….) the day with primary school kids (Today is piano, and I will pick you up), and transitions with preschoolers (We will say our special goodbye, and then, when you hop out of the car, your friends and teachers will be on the sidewalk to walk you into your classroom. I will come back to get you at the end of the day.) Visuals are especially helpful if transitions are challenging, such as a photo of the parent coming to pick up the child.
Keep your worries at bay and let go (even though it seems impossible at times)
We think of our kids almost constantly, and it helps to remember that they were designed to be resilient. In Positive Discipline, we call this tool Have faith in the process of development. Worrying is part of being a parent, and kids are so strong and competent. When we let go and trust in their development, we give them the opportunity to thrive and to trust themselves.
These tools are helpful, and you may still experience the occasional AFTER SCHOOL COLLAPSE scene. Children are not born with self-regulation; it’s a skill that takes time to learn. When children “lose it”, they are doing just that, losing control of their emotions, and they feel out of control.
The best thing you can do in the moment is to co-regulate; take care of yourself by remaining calm (fake it till you make it). Your child will read your mirror neurons and eventually match them. A mom of a three-year-old recently shared that she expects some type of collapse at the end of the day, so she gently places her daughter in the car and listens to her whine all the way home. She has the space to feel her feelings, and generally resets when she arrives home.
